I’ve often found myself on a plan B, C, or further on down the line and wondered, ‘well, where do I go from here?’ Like the time I was exploring down by the river (yes, the river we were forbidden to go down to and play around) and found myself hanging on to a scrubby tree outgrowth between shale outcroppings on my left and right hand, and no safe place to go on either side but a straight slide down into the river. I think I opted for a mad scramble across the shale and prayed for another scrubby tree…whatever must have worked. But I’ve had a number of how did I get here moments.
The horrific thought is that God isn’t finished with me yet. The second thought is no one gets out of here alive anyway. The doctor has told me I need a breathing machine such as a C-pap or whatever because apparently while I sleep I have moments (too many of them) where I stop breathing. And he says I wouldn’t recommend you take any kind of sleep aid. With your record you may go to sleep and just not wake up.
So, the joke about grandpa comes to mind. The one where someone says “I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather did…not screaming like his passengers.” Now in real life that wouldn’t be funny at all, but the first part? We don’t any of us know when our final moments will be. And I’m not sure I want to be like Elijah and Elisha. But I do trust that when my time comes it will come.
I’m not ‘old’ like the 102 year old woman who said she thought God had put her here and then forgot where he put her. No, not like that, but as we get older we do ponder what more purpose God has for us. I’ve known Gospel preachers who at a certain age became sick and where they had been dedicated in their ministry, going to many places here in the states and abroad, were unable to continue.
However, when the doctor was so positive about my future I had a moment of thinking if that was my option, to die peacefully in my sleep wouldn’t be an awful way to go. In a memory from five years ago my youngest son, (young fuzzy, whom I have at times highlighted in some of my posts) wrote a message. You can in reading this message maybe slightly understand why he’s my favorite Benjamin.
“I sometimes wonder what people (especially my family) will remember when I’m gone. Will they miss me, or will I just be another face forgotten in the dust of daily business? If they do remember, what is it that stands out to them, what facet of my personality will they think of? Will they remember fondly, or otherwise? The desire to be remembered is one of our stronger motivators. Build well, so that you may be remembered well.“
20) According to my earnest expectation and my hope, that in nothing I shall be ashamed, but that with all boldness, as always, so now also Christ shall be magnified in my body, whether it be by life, or by death.
21) For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.
22) But if I live in the flesh, this is the fruit of my labour: yet what I shall choose I wot not.
23) For I am in a strait betwixt two, having a desire to depart, and to be with Christ; which is far better:
24) Nevertheless to abide in the flesh is more needful for you.
25) And having this confidence, I know that I shall abide and continue with you all for your furtherance and joy of faith;